About Me

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London/Sudbury, Ontario, Canada
I'm a parent of two amazing earth bound children (a boy and a girl) and two little angels in heaven. I am owned by cats, dogs, a rabbit, and a tortoise. I am LGBTI friendly. I can be selfish at times.. impatient.. vindictive.. motivated.. intelligent.. manipulative.. stubborn.. loving.. caring.. flirtatious.. I care about more about my children then about anyone else.. it will always be that way.. I cannot carry anymore children as I had a hysterectomy due to 'cancer' in 2003. My past isn't the best, but it has shaped me into who I am. You will probably end up asking a question where the answer lies in my past and you may not like the answer you get.. just remember it's my PAST, not my present or my future.

19 December 2015

Another few miles on my road to recovery.

To those that can see this, it is long and I hope that you read it all.

If you do not like what I post about, unfriend me, add me to a restricted list, or do not read my blog. It's not hard to do. You replying to my posts with negativity, or telling me to get over things, does NOT help me move forward in my recovery. It sets me back as I begin to question if I am supposed to be working towards being happier than I am, and if I should just settle for what I have, again.

I post what I want and what I need to because it is MY  profile, and posting about what is happening in my life is helping me deal with what I am working through on my very long and bumpy road to recovery from the  two decades of abuse that I survived through.

I have a mental health illness that caused me to spend those years with abusive boyfriends/husbands. 21 years ago, I suffered through the loss of my oldest daughter. She died before she was born, about two weeks before there was a chance for survival being born that early in my pregnancy. A switch flipped in my brain and I began my descent to a depth in the world of domestic violence that most of you will never experience. Even those of you that have known me during many of those years do not know the extent of the abuse I have survived as I have never told anyone. 

A little more than years ago I was shown the kindness and type of love by someone that I had not seen since my daughter's death. That switch in my brain flipped back and I was able to leave the abuse for good.

I am not recovered from it. 21 years of mental, emotional, and physical abuse does not go away in 28 months. I have made many small steps towards recovery, and a few big ones. I am not fixed or put back together. I will never again be the person that I was two decades ago. Today I have much more knowledge and wisdom, I have found strengths I did not know I had. I have a circle of friends, that include some who are like family to me, and I am still learning which of the rest of you are still toxic to me.

I will make mistakes and hit really rough patches while I recover. If it is too much for you to handle, I understand that and will not hold and ill will toward you if you unfriend me. 

To those that stand by me through this,

Thank You.

18 December 2015

Examination, Discovery, and Realisation

Many months ago, actually well over a year ago, I posted about being a Trans gendered person as that was what I thought the "label" for who I am was.

During almost two and a half years that I have been with my husband, we have discussed many things that my previous boyfriends or husbands would never talk with me about. Most of them try to live in a black or white world and refuse to accept that there are many shades in between.

I remember the first time I tried to tell one of my ex husbands what I felt and wanted to ask for their support and help to discover who I really am. That was met by anger and violence that ended with them slamming me up against a wall and yelling at me that I was a useless high school drop out wife, but I had better think long and hard before I ruined their life by making my thoughts public.

Ruined THEIR life? I thought this was about me, and MY feelings. At the time I accepted I was wrong and they were right and never brought it up with them again.

After months of speaking to my husband and some others in my family and few very close friends who are like family,(who range from heterosexual to bisexual, to homosexual, and cisgendered to transgendered) I finally felt acceptance of who I am. Even my children accept that I don't fit into heterosexual or homosexual but am more pansexual and I am more gender fluid or two spirited than simply male or female.

I grew up being taught by a less accepting society that there were only two sexualities, you are 'straight' or you are 'gay/lesbian'. You are either male or female.

Now that society is more accepting and open, I've learned that there are so many more in between and so many none of the above.

That being said, IF I HAD to label myself, I would consider myself as a pansexual, two spirited gender fluid person who legally identifies as female on official documents, only because I cannot use FM or X.

Since cutting off my long locks of very female type hair and realising that, when wearing the right type of clothing,  I can pass as a male, or as a female, and that it is okay to be in love with my very male husband, yet still be attracted to both males and females as well as to people who are both or neither.

I've learned to love myself as I am, I have learned that I will never have to change who I am to fit into someone else's world to experience what it is like to be truly loved for who I am, and I've learned that my past is just years of experience learning who I am and what makes me happy.

I've also learned that those who were a part of my past can either accept how I have grown and have changed for no one but myself, or they can stay in my past and will not get to share in my future.

I am happy, I am as healthy as my illnesses and disabilities allow me to be, and I am accepted by those that matter the most to me.

03 July 2015

Friday Funnies 3 July 2015

I am implementing a Friday Funnies post each week where I will be posting a comic strip, or meme, or something else that is meant to make you smile, giggle, or laugh.

This is MINE!

02 July 2015

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for the friends that have stuck with me through all of the ups and downs over the past decade. I am thankful for the family I have. I am thankful for the newer friends I have made in the past two years.